First Pregnancy

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

Let Us Pee

A man who bed wets went to see a psychiatrist...

PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting?

MAN: Yes.

PSYCHIATRIST: Tell me how it happens.

MAN: A little demon appears to me in my sleep and says, "Hey... Let us pee". Then, I wake up to see the bed wet with my urine.

PSYCHIATRIST: This is what you must do. If the demon comes tonight and tells you "let us pee", just reply him that you have already peed.

The man left and returned the following day with tears streaming down his face.

PSYCHIATRIST: Why are you weeping? Didn't my therapy work?

MAN: You have worsened my case!

PSYCHIATRIST: What? How?

MAN: When the demon came, I told him I'd already peed. Then he said, "OK, let us sh*t!

Best Medicine

Laughter is the Best Medicine, But if you Laugh for no Reason, You Need Medicine.

Finding a Husband

Finding a Husband is Hard...

1. You find a handsome one, the brain is empty.

2. You find a brilliant one, he looks too serious.

3. You find a rich one, he is respectful.

In and Out

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 06/10/2016 - 18:00

Two men and a woman went into a bar...

"What is your name?" the barman asked the first man.

"Tejiri" Was the reply.

"How had your day been Tejiri?".

"Great! I've been in and out of pool all day, what more could a man want?".

"What's your name?" He asked the second man.

"Tega" Was the reply. "And I've been in and out of pool all day as well."

He then turned to the woman and said, "I suppose you are Tema."

"No." She said batting her eyelids, "My name is pool!"

100 Beautiful Women

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 06/17/2015 - 20:30

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop," says the first man.

"OK, you'll choose any of the women and she will shoot your p*nis off!" said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a fireman." said the second man.

"OK, you will choose any of the women who will burn your p*nis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a smile, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Scream and Groan

Q: How do you get your wife to scream and groan while you're having sex?

A: Let her catch you doing it.

Stupid Waiter

At a restaurant in Lagos...

WAITER: Would you like a table?

ME: No. Not at all... I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please?

Stubborn Wife

James was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn wife.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her!" James exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head, James replied, "I've tried that, it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

It's Me!

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 09/13/2013 - 06:12

Jonathan met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips u can give to me? I want to help Nigeria."

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Jonathan frowned, and then asked,"But how do i know the people around me are really intelligent?" 

Tell Me! Who's The Father Of This Child?!

Hungry Wish

A hungry man was walking on a desert and saw a lamp half buried in the sands. He rubbed it and a genie suddenly appeared.

The genie said, "You have only one wish to make, use it wisely."

The man happily said his wish, "Give me something to eat which will never end."

The genie said, "Here, have some chewing gum."

My Dear Friend

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teac

h good manners, asked her students the following question, "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Little Johnny replied, "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

American Police vs Nigerian Police

In America, when a policeman stops you and you tr

y to put your hand in your pocket, you get shot!

But in Nigerian, when you're stopped by the police and you put your hand in your pocket, the policeman starts smiling.

Christmas Tattoos

It was Christmas Eve.

A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.

Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

"What is that?" he asked.

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"

"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!

Best magic

I believe the best magic is neither in Merlin's nor Harry Potter's hands...

I was going out one fateful day and I needed some money to buy some stuff urgently! I asked
my mum for money. Although she's been giving me various excuses, she didn't hesitate this time, instead, she brought out the money.

Facebook Profile

Those of you who your Facebook profile says, "Living in UK and working in Ife or Lagos."

I'm not saying you are lying.

I'm just bothered... How are you coping with the transport fare?

iPhone 6 or iPhone 7

A Whatsapp conversation between Akpos and a girl named Tina...

Akpos: I Love You

Tina: Lol

Akpos: I need you in my life

Tina: Lol

Akpos: You are my everything

Tina: Lol

Akpos: iPhone 6 Or iPhone 7

Tina: iPhone 7

Akpos: Loooool

Tina: Do you want to buy it for me

Akpos: Loooooooooool

Tina: Talk to me na

Akpos: Loooooool

Do You Have Any proof?

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me $50

0 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it’s only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!"

Dead Promise

=An accident occurred today, 11 persons were injured, 12 died. So the Minister of Health promis

ed to offer N5,000 to the injured and N6million to the dead for their funeral.

One of the injured got up and laid where the dead were...

One of the dead shouted, "Bros, go back to your place, do not bring confusion here, they have counted us already!"

Best Job Ever

6 - 20:39

I asked a friend of mine what he is doing. He told me, he is working on, "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed! On further asking, I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water... under his wife's supervision!

Long Queue

Have you experienced the long queue at ATM points these days? I wonder where the recession everyone keep shouting about is coming from.

Yesterday afternoon, I tried to check if I still have some money in my account. After staying in the queue behind a guy for about 45 minutes, a girl walked up to me and said, "Please sir, I'm in front of your back."

Out of annoyance, I replied, "Come and stay in the center of my front!"

Ages of Women on Their Wedding Day

It's very easy to know the age of a woman on her traditional wedding day...

18-21 years: There will be no dancing. Rather, the bride and her mother will be hugging each other and crying.

The Stolen Goat

Kunle stole a goat, he was arrested and taken to court.

JUDGE: Gentleman, are you guilty or not guilty?

KUNLE: My Lord, I’m not guilty.

People Without Gifts

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:

1. Bride's relatives
2. Groom's relatives

Akpos gives Church offering

Akpos was sitting in church and it was time for offering, so the collection bowl was passed around. He quickly pulled N10 from his pocket and dropped it in.
Just then, the person behind him tapped me on the shoulder and handed him a N1000 note. Akpos smiled, placed the N1000 note in the bowl and passed it on, admiring the man for being so generous.
He felt another tap from behind and heard the man whisper ”son” the man said, ”That N1000 fell from your pocket.”

Akpos was sitting in church and it was time for offering, so the collection bowl was passed around. He quickly pulled N10 from his pocket and dropped it in.
Just then, the person behind him tapped me on the shoulder and handed him a N1000 note. Akpos smiled, placed the N1000 note in the bowl and passed it on, admiring the man for being so generous.
He felt another tap from behind and heard the man whisper ”son” the man said, ”That N1000 fell from your pocket.”

Kiss of Life

Have you ever seen a beautiful lady and passionately wanted to kiss her? Kiss of life is the story of Mr. Patrick who so desperately wanted a kiss from a very beautiful lady, what happened when he was finally offered the kiss will keep you laughing all day long. Don’t laugh alone share and do well to leave a comment.

Akpos’s lucky day

A lady and Akpos were having drinks at the bar. Later that night the woman whispered to Akpos,
“LET’S GO TO MY

Akpos Question

Assuming government asked everyone to register their boyfriend/girlfriend before 2016.
And you obeyed and then upon trying to register your boyfriend/girlfriend
the machine says “SORRY! The person you’re trying to register has already been registered”
What will you do?

Cheap boyfriend

GIRL: I hate my boyfriend!
BOY: Why?
GIRL: He is so cheap he cant even buy me a simple dinner, are all boys like that?
BOY: Of course not, I’m not like that.
GIRL: I’m going to break up with him.
BOY: Ok but know I’m available.
[Girl stands to leave]
BOY: Wait, where are you going?
GIRL: To break up with my boyfriend of course.
BOY: You can’t leave.
GIRL: Why?
BOY: Who is going to pay for the lunch we just had?”

Escaped convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

The fisherman and the fish

WIFE: Honey before we got married, you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.
HUSBAND: Yes, and?
WIFE: How come you don’t do it anymore?
HUSBAND: Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to the fish after catching it?

Akpos and the pastor’s crazy prayers

Akpos’ pastor added him on facebook and he innocently accepted.
Two minutes later his message came in:
Pastor: How are you?
Akpos: I’m fine, my daddy.
Pastor: May the building of heavenly favour collapse on your head
Akpos: (no reply)
Pastor: May the thunder of Blessing strike you and your family.
Akpos: (no reply)
Pastor: May God slash you with the axe of life
Akpos: (no reply)
Pastor: May God stab you with the knife of riches

Pregnant maid

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and his wife:
Wife: Our maid is pregnant…
Akpos: That’s her problem

Wife: Neighbours are talking…

Ebola in Church

During the Ebola outbreak in Nigeria Akpos went to Church on Sunday and testified that he was infected with Ebola and that God had healed him.
When he finished, he tried to give the microphone to the second man who was waiting to give his own testimony, but the man refused to take it:

The following conversation ensued:

The customer is always right?

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and his boss at work:
Boss: Shouting Akpos!, Akpos!!! come to my office now…!
Akpos: Yes Sir

Don’t argue with a woman

Akpos get home at midnight and knocks the door
Wife: Go back to where you are coming from!
Akpos: Open the door or I will throw myself into the swimming pool!
Wife: Go ahead and kill yourself, do you think I care?
So Akpos stands near the dark part of the gate and waits for 2 minutes, takes a big stone and throws it into the swimming pool !!! ..Scheweew..!!!
Wife hears, opens the door and runs towards the swimming pool. Akpos quickly sneaks into the house then locks the door.

Pastor buys condom?

Pastor Akpos goes to a clinic to buy a pack of condom.
The attendant tells him to wait and enters the inner room to get it.
As Akpos waited for his condoms, one of his members comes to buy drugs and greets him, “Pastor, good evening.”

Akpos the robber

Akpos went to rob a city bank. “Everybody down!!!” Akpos shouted.
Everyone laid flat on the ground. “Where is the bank manager?” He asked, A young, scared man stood up and said, “Here I am.”
Akpos: Open the safe and bring out all d money.
MANAGER: (stammering) No, I can’t sir.
Akpos; What?! Are you crazy?! You are lucky I’m with a toy gun, I would have blown your brains off!…
Akpos is currently receiving treatment at the prison hospital

Akpos the robber

Akpos went to rob a city bank. “Everybody down!!!” Akpos shouted.
Everyone laid flat on the ground. “Where is the bank manager?” He asked, A young, scared man stood up and said, “Here I am.”
Akpos: Open the safe and bring out all d money.

First Class

Akpos bursts into the house, “Daddy! My CGPA is 4.78”
The father is amazed and says “This calls for a party.”
The father takes Akpos on a ride around town to shopping malls and Eateries.
He spends all he has including his Month end salary.
The father thought to himself, “At least I celebrated my son’s success even if I’m eventually broke.” When they got home, Akpos shows his result to his Father.
His father looking stunned, angrily snares at his son, “WHAT IS THIS? I thought you said you had a First Class? But what I’m seeing on your result is a Third Class!”
Akpos, who is smiling sheepishly, suddenly shouts, “APRIL FOOL DAD!!!”
Akpos is currently on admission at the Emergency Unit of the General Hospital.

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Akpos destiny

Akpos went to a native doctor and requested to know
how bright his destiny would be.
The native doctor drew a circle with a white chalk and another circle with a black chalk.
After that he placed a dead millipede on the floor and asked Akpos to watch carefully.

Akpos and Dad attacked

One day, thieves came to Akpos’ house.
His father quickly noticed them and asked Akpos to bring his gun.
After Akpos brought him his gun, he told him to hide in the room. As the thieves entered, his father brandished his gun at them and they began to tremble.
Suddenly, Akpos came out of the room. His father, surprised, commanded, “Go inside!”
Akpos shouted back, “Dad, you forgot to put water into the gun.”
Akpos’ father is currently in the hospital receiving treatment.

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Open letter from Akpos to Ghana

We bring 419, Ghana copy from us, we no vex….
We bring selling of drugs, Ghana copy, we no vex…,
We get Oil, Ghana claim dem too discover oil, we no vex…
Now LIGHT OFF, you copy that one too finish!
Una Nollywood una copy from us u dey call am Ghollywood or Kumahood.
When president die, we make vice-president takeover you copy that one too.
But now one thing we dey beg una say make you no try at all copy from us, be BOKO HARAM….
We take God name beg una, make una do us this favour, leave that one give us!!!

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Difference between a goat and sheep

May/June 2015 Biology WAEC Questions INSTRUCTION: Answer All Q2 (a)(i) Mention 9 differences between Livestock A (Goat) and Livestock B (Sheep)

Check out Akpos answer: The goat when you use it for soup it taste ‘waaaaow’, but the sheep when you use it for soup, it does not taste ‘waaaaow’.
Goats give soup perfume especially the boy goat, but sheep don’t give soup perfume. A goat can cross a road wisely but the sheep is very foolish and walks slowly on the road.

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Next question

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
Akpos throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Akpos: Me! I’m going home now.

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Everyone will die

A pastor was preaching about death to his congregation. He said, “One day, every member of this church is going to die!”
Akpos, who sat in the front row laughed excessively at the pastor.
The pastor repeated it. “I said, one day, every member of this church is going to die!”
Again akpos laughed out loud.
The irritated pastor asked Akpos, “Son, what’s so funny about that?”
Akpos replied, “I’m not a member of this church!”

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Akpos escapes from psychiatric hospital

Akpos escaped from Yaba Psychiatric Hospital. When he got home, he called the Psychiatric Hospital on phone, the following conversation ensued;
Akpos: Is there any one in Room eight at Ward one?
Receptionist: Just a minute sir hold on let me check.
A while later the Receptionist came back on the phone and said; “There is no one sir.”
Akpos exclaimed; “Wow! Okay my dear.”
The Receptionist responded; “But why did you ask sir?.”
Akpos replied; “I want to be sure that I’ve escaped.”

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Missing wife

Akpos calls into the police station and says, “My wife is missing.”
The officer asks, “How long has she been gone?”
Akpos: “A month.”
Oficer: “Why did you wait so long to report it?”
Akpos: “Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear.”

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How many feet?

TEACHER: How many feet are there in a yard?
AKPOS: It depends, if there are 3 people, then we have six feet.

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How many feet?

TEACHER: How many feet are there in a yard?
AKPOS: It depends, if there are 3 people, then we have six feet.

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