The missing Cock

The missing Cock

Pastor keeps chickens in the Church premises, one evening a Cock went missing.

In Church the next day the Pastor asked "who has a cock?"
 All the men got up.
 "No, I mean who has seen a cock?" the pastor said.
All the women got up.
"No, no, I meant who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?", the pastor said impatiently.
Half of the women got up.
"Oh for goodness sake!! Who has seen my cock???" the pastor shouted.
All the Choir girls got up!.....halleluyah!!

Little boy's prayer

Little boy's prayer

At dinner, a little boy offered to lead in prayer.
"Dear Lord," he started, "Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sisters clothes and wrestled with her on her bed and made her cry."

"This coming winter," he continued, ignorant of all the stares he was receiving,"Please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my dad's blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work"

...AMEN!.... and there was silence.

The Hunter

The Hunter

A 90 yr old man goes to a doctor.
He said:"Doctor, my 28yr old wife is pregnant, what's your opinion?"

Doctor replies: "Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of his hunting rifle. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella pulls the handle and....BANG!!!...d lion drops dead!"

Old man exclaims: "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion."

Doctor: "EXACTLY MY OPINION."

Akpos the house help

Akpos the house help, entered Madam’s room without knocking.

MADAM: Akpos, this is wrong, what if I was Unclad or dressing up?
AKPOS: That can never happen, madam.
MADAM: How can you be so sure?
AKPOS: I always peep first and if you are Unclad, I’ll just wait and watch until
you have dressed up before I enter.
Akpos is currently in the emergency room of a general hospital

Akpos just got a job

Akpos just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Abuja.
The manager told him “In here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant so you know how to address their every need even before they ask.”

Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly
approached them, nicely took their baggage and said,
“Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel. Please come this way to the reception” and he led them to the reception.

A husband comes home from church

A husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house. The wife is was
surprised and excited! She asked with smiles, “Did the Pastor preach on being romantic?” Out of breath the husband replies, “No, he said we must carry our burdens…”
Wife lands him a thunderous slap

An American lawyer and a Nigerian

An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Nigerians are so dumb that he can fool them easily..,....,. so the lawyer asks if the naija guy would like to play a fun game. The nigerian is tired and just wants to rest, so he politely declines and tries to catch some sleep. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun "I ask u a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only 5dollars; you ask me one and if I dont know the answer, I will pay u $500. 
As naija no be dull guys naau, this catches the nigerian's attention and to keep d lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks d 1st question "what's the distance from earth to the moon? 
The naija guy doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out 5dollars the hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the omo naija turn. He ask the lawyer, "what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with four?
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches the internet and even the Library of Congress. He sends emails to all his smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After 1 hour of futile searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the naija guy and hands him $500. The nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. 

So he wakes the naija guy up the asks, "well, so what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with four? The nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer 5dollars and goes back to sleep.

A man fainted outside Mr. Biggs (an eatery).

A man fainted outside Mr. Biggs (an eatery). Soon a crowd gathered around him and someone suggested,
“Give him some water, it will help.” Hearing this, the man opened one eye and said, “Commot from here, if na water I wan drink, I for go faint for DAM na.
……..

My new bicycle has been stolen.

AKPOS: My new bicycle has been
stolen.
POLICE: When did u notice?
AKPOS: This morning
POLICE: Do you have a suspect?
AKPOS: Yes,my mum and dad.
POLICE: why do u suspect them?
AKPOS: yesterday at midnight i heard
mum say make it stand well so I can
seat on it very well ”and dad said
”climb up fast before it falls .and mum
said ”push slowly slowly dont hurt
me……
.police hahaha o boy na senior
bicycle be that ooo

A man went on a night out with his friends

A man went on a night out with his
friends the wife is furious and tells
the kids that when he comes back
they must not open the door for him.

At about12 o’clock the man comes
back and knocks…
the Wife tells him “go sleep where your
coming from ” and the man
answered” I’m not here to sleep my
dear , I’m here to collect condoms in
my room on top of the table or give it
to me, there’r lots of women at the party!”

The wife opened the door and dragz him inside. sayin
“eediortt” you are not going anywhere enter now. me sef neva satisfied.
She locked d door

Husband and Wife

[How it began]
Akpos: Baby, I'm gonna tell you a story with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts!
Ekaitte: "Alright love..."
Akpos: "Okay, I'm gonna start with part 1. There was a husband and a wife, they were driving to a campsite when they came upon a split road. The husband says "let's take the left one."The wife says "I think we should take the right road." The husband slaps the wife across the face "who's driving, me or you?" and they take the left path."

Sad Old Man

A ninety-year-old man who is suffering from memory loss is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper-time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

90 Year Old Secret

Someone asked an old man, "Even after 90 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?"

All For Love

A guy and his girlfriend wanted to commit suicide on the top of a 10 storey building so that God can officiate their wedding in heaven.

Valentine Trade by Barter

How can a girl send you boxers and expect an iPhone 6s? A tie and expect Brazilian hair? Singlet and expect a Rolex Wristwatch? Cufflinks and expect a BB Porsche of N450,000? Or nothing at all and expect an expensive dinner at KFC?

Well, The Nigerian Association of Boyfriends (NAB) says it should be trade by barter this Valentine. Boxers should be exchanged with a G-string, Singlets should be exchanged with Bras. If she gives you roll-on, buy her 'Lip gloss'. She gives you cufflinks, give her rubber band to tie her natural hair. If she shows up at your door empty-handed, put NTA, AIT, STV or African Magic for her to watch. Put off your generator. If she asks for an expensive dinner, take her to an expensive vigil, MFM or The LORD'S CHOSEN to be precise. She gives you a flower, give her Ugu (Vegetables), both are natural. If she gives you cake, you give her beancake (akara). If she gives you lacasera, buy her kunu.

We don't want this Year's Valentine to be one-sided anymore.

Signed
Nigerian Association of Boyfriends (NAB)

Thank God

Thank God Valentine this year falls on a Sunday... I'm attending 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th services and house fellowship.

Questions Without Answers

Sometimes I Think About These...

1. What's Satan's last name?

2. Can animals commit suicide?

3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

4. How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

5. If london bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?

6. If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?

7. If you were driving at the speed of light and you turned on your headlights, what would happen?

8. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

9. If there's speed of sound is there speed of smell?

10. Do coffins have guarantees?

11. Can you cry under water?

12. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

13. Why do we wash bath towel? Aren't we clean when we use them?

14. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what colour would it turn?

15. How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

ANY HELP?

Nothing Good

When People say they can't see anything good in you...

Hug them and say, "Life is difficult for the BLIND!"

Three Times

A reverend father was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his reverend brother friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The brother told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the reverend father told him to come on over and he would stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The brother came and he and the reverend father were in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The reverend asked, "What did you do?"

The woman said, "I committed adultery."

Reverend: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Reverend: "Say two Hail Mary's, put 1,000 Naira in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Reverend: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Reverend: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Reverend: "Say two Hail Mary's, put 1,000 Naira in the box and go and sin no more."

The brother told the reverend that he thinks he has got it so the reverend left. A few minutes later, another woman entered and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Brother: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Brother: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Brother: "Go and do it two more times. We have a special offer this week, three for 1,000 Naira."

Nigerian Flag

Nigerian Flag

KALU: Why did you ask to be buried with a Nigerian flag? AKPOS: So when God sees my flag, He will know I have been to hell before!

Happy Ramadan

Assuming tomorrow is VALETINE, I would have asked you to be my VAL, but tomorrow is RAMADAN, so can you pls be my RAM!

The Sister

A man saw a catholic sister and decided to give her a lift in his car. After a while, the man placed his hand on the sister's laps pretending he was looking for the gear lever.

The sister looked at him and said, "Matthew 7:7" so he quickly removed his hand.

Smart Little Girl

Once, a little girl went to a shop with her mother. In the shop, the little caught a glimpse of a bottle filled with sweets. The shopkeeper noticed her staring at the bottle filled with sweets and said, "Hey cute girl, you can take the sweets if you want them."

But the little girl didn't do anything. The shopkeeper was surprised and repeated again, "You can have the sweets."

But the little girl didn't take the sweets.

The mother finally weighed in and said, "You can have the sweets dear."

Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper picked the bottle of sweets himself, poured a bunch of them onto his hand and gave them to her.

While returning home, the mother asked her daughter, "Why didn't you take the sweets when the shop keeper told you to take them?"

The little girl replied, "Because the shopkeeper's hands were bigger than mine."

sweeter than banana.

-  Never be sad if someone prefers another over you.... it’s always difficult to convince a monkey that strawberry is sweeter than banana.

secrets.

-  You're dating a girl for 6yrs and she has never Farted in front of you, break up with her, because if she can hide common fart for 6yrs den she has secrets.

My Dear Friend

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question, "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

Loosed Towel

Imagine you are outside playing with a baby (infant) with just a towel covering your body and as you throw the baby up, your towel looses grip while there are so many people around you...

Which one would you catch first, The BABY or the TOWEL?!

2 Mad Men

There were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum, and one night, they decided they didn't like that anymore and tried to escape.

They made it up to the roof. Just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops stretching across towns. The first guy jumps right across with no problem. But his friend couldn't jump because he was afraid of falling.

So the first guy said, "I have a flashlight with me, I will shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me."

But the second guy said, "Do you think I'm stupid?! You will turn the flashlight off when I'm halfway across."

Why Are You Following Me

Yesterday, I went home late from an official function and I decided to use a motorcycle (Okada). On arriving home I alighted, paid the guy and left.

Breaking News: Rihanna is pregnant

CNN News: Rihanna is pregnant with Drakes baby.

"I've kept it a secret as long as I can. But I think the public have the right to know", said 29-year-old Rihanna.

Rihanna Mabaso of Mamelodi, Pretoria is pregnant with her long time boyfriends baby, Drake Nkosi of Durban, KZN. The pregnancy was confirmed this morning by her neighbour who spotted her in a taxi leaving the township with a bulging tummy.

Strong Girls

Some Girls have never seen the doors of a gym but look physically fit because of running from one man to another.

Village Virgin

A young man was ready for marriage but wanted a virgin, so he went to the village to get himself a bride. As soon as he got there,

Think again!

Change of Heart

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service.

Once a Day

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.

“Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up.

Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

Beautiful Dream

Beautiful Dream "It was a Saturday morning and Akpos said to his wife, "Today I had a dream about a beautiful woman.''

His wife replied, ''Oh! Was it me?''

Akpos said, ''No, it was not you, it was someone else''

The wife said, 'Ok... I'm sure she came alone.''

Akpos replied, ''Yea she did, how did you know that?''

She said, "Because I was with her husband, he came in my dreams too alone."

Husband Pet Names

Nigerian women and how they address their husbands with pet names.

When he gives her N500,000 upward: She calls him Sweetheart.

When he gives her N400,000: She calls him Sweety.

When he gives her N300,000: She calls him Honey.

When he gives her N200,000: She calls him Dear.

When he gives her N100,000: She calls him by their first child name... e.g Daddy Junior.

When he gives her N50,000: She calls him Mr. John.

When he gives her N25,000: She calls him Mr man.

When he gives her N5,000: She calls him by name; e.g Johnny.

When he gives her N500: She calls him This man.

When he gives her lower than N500: She calls him with a sound... e.g "wooosi", "phuuuuu", "hissssss".

Terrible accident

 Terrible accident

An accident occurred today. 11 persons were injured and 12 died. So the Minister of Health promised to offer N5,000 to the injured and N6million to the dead for their funeral. All of the sudden, one of the injured got up and moved towards where the dead people were. Immediately, one of the dead people […]

Akpos’ mobile money advice for all men in 2017

Akpos has an advice for all African men in 2017.It is as follows:

The moment you ask a girl “WHAT’S WRONG?”
And she replies “Hmmm”

Guys, dont ask “why hmm …?”

Its a Mobile Money Trap!

First Pregnancy

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

Let Us Pee

A man who bed wets went to see a psychiatrist...

PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting?

MAN: Yes.

PSYCHIATRIST: Tell me how it happens.

MAN: A little demon appears to me in my sleep and says, "Hey... Let us pee". Then, I wake up to see the bed wet with my urine.

PSYCHIATRIST: This is what you must do. If the demon comes tonight and tells you "let us pee", just reply him that you have already peed.

The man left and returned the following day with tears streaming down his face.

PSYCHIATRIST: Why are you weeping? Didn't my therapy work?

MAN: You have worsened my case!

PSYCHIATRIST: What? How?

MAN: When the demon came, I told him I'd already peed. Then he said, "OK, let us sh*t!

Best Medicine

Laughter is the Best Medicine, But if you Laugh for no Reason, You Need Medicine.

Finding a Husband

Finding a Husband is Hard...

1. You find a handsome one, the brain is empty.

2. You find a brilliant one, he looks too serious.

3. You find a rich one, he is respectful.

In and Out

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 06/10/2016 - 18:00

Two men and a woman went into a bar...

"What is your name?" the barman asked the first man.

"Tejiri" Was the reply.

"How had your day been Tejiri?".

"Great! I've been in and out of pool all day, what more could a man want?".

"What's your name?" He asked the second man.

"Tega" Was the reply. "And I've been in and out of pool all day as well."

He then turned to the woman and said, "I suppose you are Tema."

"No." She said batting her eyelids, "My name is pool!"