Husband and Wife

[How it began]
Akpos: Baby, I'm gonna tell you a story with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts!
Ekaitte: "Alright love..."
Akpos: "Okay, I'm gonna start with part 1. There was a husband and a wife, they were driving to a campsite when they came upon a split road. The husband says "let's take the left one."The wife says "I think we should take the right road." The husband slaps the wife across the face "who's driving, me or you?" and they take the left path."

Sad Old Man

A ninety-year-old man who is suffering from memory loss is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper-time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

90 Year Old Secret

Someone asked an old man, "Even after 90 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?"

All For Love

A guy and his girlfriend wanted to commit suicide on the top of a 10 storey building so that God can officiate their wedding in heaven.

Valentine Trade by Barter

How can a girl send you boxers and expect an iPhone 6s? A tie and expect Brazilian hair? Singlet and expect a Rolex Wristwatch? Cufflinks and expect a BB Porsche of N450,000? Or nothing at all and expect an expensive dinner at KFC?

Well, The Nigerian Association of Boyfriends (NAB) says it should be trade by barter this Valentine. Boxers should be exchanged with a G-string, Singlets should be exchanged with Bras. If she gives you roll-on, buy her 'Lip gloss'. She gives you cufflinks, give her rubber band to tie her natural hair. If she shows up at your door empty-handed, put NTA, AIT, STV or African Magic for her to watch. Put off your generator. If she asks for an expensive dinner, take her to an expensive vigil, MFM or The LORD'S CHOSEN to be precise. She gives you a flower, give her Ugu (Vegetables), both are natural. If she gives you cake, you give her beancake (akara). If she gives you lacasera, buy her kunu.

We don't want this Year's Valentine to be one-sided anymore.

Signed
Nigerian Association of Boyfriends (NAB)

Thank God

Thank God Valentine this year falls on a Sunday... I'm attending 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th services and house fellowship.

Questions Without Answers

Sometimes I Think About These...

1. What's Satan's last name?

2. Can animals commit suicide?

3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

4. How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

5. If london bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?

6. If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?

7. If you were driving at the speed of light and you turned on your headlights, what would happen?

8. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

9. If there's speed of sound is there speed of smell?

10. Do coffins have guarantees?

11. Can you cry under water?

12. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

13. Why do we wash bath towel? Aren't we clean when we use them?

14. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what colour would it turn?

15. How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

ANY HELP?

Nothing Good

When People say they can't see anything good in you...

Hug them and say, "Life is difficult for the BLIND!"

Three Times

A reverend father was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his reverend brother friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The brother told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the reverend father told him to come on over and he would stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The brother came and he and the reverend father were in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The reverend asked, "What did you do?"

The woman said, "I committed adultery."

Reverend: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Reverend: "Say two Hail Mary's, put 1,000 Naira in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Reverend: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Reverend: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Reverend: "Say two Hail Mary's, put 1,000 Naira in the box and go and sin no more."

The brother told the reverend that he thinks he has got it so the reverend left. A few minutes later, another woman entered and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Brother: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Brother: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Brother: "Go and do it two more times. We have a special offer this week, three for 1,000 Naira."

Nigerian Flag

Nigerian Flag

KALU: Why did you ask to be buried with a Nigerian flag? AKPOS: So when God sees my flag, He will know I have been to hell before!

Happy Ramadan

Assuming tomorrow is VALETINE, I would have asked you to be my VAL, but tomorrow is RAMADAN, so can you pls be my RAM!

The Sister

A man saw a catholic sister and decided to give her a lift in his car. After a while, the man placed his hand on the sister's laps pretending he was looking for the gear lever.

The sister looked at him and said, "Matthew 7:7" so he quickly removed his hand.

Smart Little Girl

Once, a little girl went to a shop with her mother. In the shop, the little caught a glimpse of a bottle filled with sweets. The shopkeeper noticed her staring at the bottle filled with sweets and said, "Hey cute girl, you can take the sweets if you want them."

But the little girl didn't do anything. The shopkeeper was surprised and repeated again, "You can have the sweets."

But the little girl didn't take the sweets.

The mother finally weighed in and said, "You can have the sweets dear."

Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper picked the bottle of sweets himself, poured a bunch of them onto his hand and gave them to her.

While returning home, the mother asked her daughter, "Why didn't you take the sweets when the shop keeper told you to take them?"

The little girl replied, "Because the shopkeeper's hands were bigger than mine."

sweeter than banana.

-  Never be sad if someone prefers another over you.... it’s always difficult to convince a monkey that strawberry is sweeter than banana.

secrets.

-  You're dating a girl for 6yrs and she has never Farted in front of you, break up with her, because if she can hide common fart for 6yrs den she has secrets.